OBSERVATIONS ON THE TELEPHONE

1: hey, how've you been?
2: i don't know. the cat has dug its claws into my head, with its front paws on my forehead and its back paws on my bald spot. it is shitting into the collar of my vintage shirt, which has been turned up so that i may be fashionable. what have you been up to?
1: i have noticed the fat around my midsection and on my thighs and even on my back but especially around my midsection. i had been doing some reading and now i have begun to staple my own stomach. the idea is that i will make my stomach smaller and then i will not be able to eat as much before i am full, and soon enough i will be slim&trim and ready to stake my claim on a lady. starting to think i shouldn't be doing it like this. i'm calling because i need your help. there's an awful lot of blood. i shouldn't have done it this way. i should have had someone else do it. can you come over right away and help me?
2: sure pal, i'll be right there. you want me to pick up anything on the way?
1: yeah grab a six-pack of something cheap and a box of camel®s.
2: ok and in the meantime put some pressure on your stomach.
1: which part?
2: the part that's open to the air outside.
1: it's all open to the air outside. i had to fit the stapler in.
2: jesus man. ok hold on. what kind of smokes did you want again?
1: camel®s.
2: camel® lights?
1: no camel® filters. regulars.
2: ok i'm heading out the door right now. don't go to sleep.
1: what? you're really quiet.
2: i said DON'T GO TO SLEEP.
1: i can't hear you. i'm going to take a nap until you get here. so cold.